Chocolate with Benefits: Health Claims, Hype, and the Bars We Actually Trust

A photo of a Chaga Chai chocolate bar by Loon Chocolate.

Let’s get something out of the way: chocolate does not need your probiotic. It does not require adaptogens, nootropics, or collagen powder snuck in like a teenage boy trying to crash a sleepover. Chocolate is chocolate — it is already the reward. But we live in an era where snacks now come with resumes, and your candy bar is expected to “support cognitive function” and “promote gut health,” as if it were applying for a job at your local Vitamin Cottage.

Enter the age of “functional chocolate.” A term that would have given my grandmother an aneurysm. Back in her day, chocolate was considered “functional” if it shut the kids up for five minutes and paired well with bourbon.

But now? Chocolate comes with benefits. Mood support. Immunity boosting. Brain fog lifting. Libido enhancing. If you squint hard enough, you can almost convince yourself it’s not dessert — it’s self-care.

And look, I’m not above it. You want a chocolate bar with lion’s mane to help you focus while you doomscroll? Go for it. Just don’t expect it to erase your browser history or file your taxes.

That said, if you’re going to dabble in the functional chocolate trend, at least do it with someone who gives a damn about the chocolate part. That’s why we brought in a new line of bars from Loon Chocolate. They’re small batch, ethically sourced, and shockingly good for something that’s also flirting with the supplement aisle.

Take the Lion’s Mane bar — rich dark chocolate with a boost of focus-enhancing mushroom that somehow doesn’t taste like mulch. Or the Chaga Chai, which smuggles immunity benefits into a warm spice blend so cozy it might as well be wearing flannel. And if you're more interested in thrills than pills, there’s The Ghost and the Sea: a bar laced with ghost pepper and sea salt that feels like a dare wrapped in foil. No adaptogens required — just flavor with teeth.

These bars aren’t trying to replace your multivitamin. They’re still dessert. But they manage to pull off the trick of making you feel slightly smug while eating them — which, frankly, might be the most functional benefit of all.

You can find all three of these bars from Loon in our shop now - at least for a limited time. Eat them because they’re delicious. Or because they support your memory. Or your gut. Or your chakras. Honestly, we’re not here to judge. Just don’t ask them to cure your seasonal depression. That’s what daylight and therapy are for.